You have got Spam!

And we are back on the air after a long gap

Some of the most entertaining pieces I read on my inbox were the widely scorned threads on our very own institute email service, Smail. I had grown tired of opening mails which promised to bankroll me for life if I collaborated with some Nigerian whose relative was dead. There was also a time when there were plans afoot to screw Apple with distributing free IPods for all those who were generous enough to pass on the favor to their contact list. I grew sick of Tinglebox, Orchute, Farcebook, Shelfairy*(names changes to protect privacy ;)) and the ilk. Err…I also get mails whose content might be objectionable here. However, spam filtering has improved over the years. By and large what meets my eye on Google inbox nowadays is not so much fun. They generally contain mails meant for me alone with a few exceptions. Enter Smail to the rescue.

A Brief History of Smail:

Not such a long time ago, Smail, like many other services provided by the institute, was hardly used by the student community. The institute was naturally unhappy about this situation. It meant students absent for a special class had the excuse of telling the faculty that they never got the message sent on the group. They decided to dole out Smail ID’s to all incoming students, who were naturally excited about having an ‘iitm.ac.in’ on their email ID’s. Just count the number of people with ‘iitm’ in their Google or Yahoo! email ID’s and the reader will acknowledge the latent brand value of an IITM email ID.

Around the same time, a portal was started with a lot of fanfare. The registration for the portal had to be done with an Smail ID. Now like most things that begin with a big bang, the student usage of the portal fizzled out. The very place we eat in, ‘Himalaya’, was the subject of a raging discussion on the same portal. It is another matter that the student opinions expressed there were probably not on the administration’s mind when they went through with the idea. There was also a ‘Lost and Found’ Section on the same portal. Paradoxically, the average Joe is very unlikely to visit the page. The only luck that the ‘loser’ can have is when someone stumbles on the lost article; I would not hazard a guess on the chances of that event. Some smart guys thought this out rather well and decided to mail the whole student group instead about their bundles of misfortune.

Black Holes, Missing Objects and other Issues:

There was a sudden spurt in the number of people losing their belongings. It was as though a black hole swallowed up several lost cell phones and cellophane tapes, umbrellas and undies, purses and pencils and so forth. Oddly enough, most of the items that were lost seemed to have sentimental value to the aggrieved individuals. Some of the offers made in the mails defied economics. I reproduce a specimen below in all its schmaltzy originality. I really admire the courage the individual exhibited in overcoming his ‘serious’ guilt.

[Btech] [Students] wallet loss @ CSU stall--------sorry for spaming(seriously)

i lost my purse today @ ground floor csu stall@himalya around 12:45pm okk i m requesting to the guys and (considering minute probablity) gals to return the purse and i promise the treat of the complete amount in that purse and again i m serious

Another quotable snippet from a different mail, “Please look around for the lost wallet and if found contact me at: XYZ”. Tempers were already running high in a few good men of the institute. Someone with a deliciously inviting surname, ‘Gofech’ *(name changed to protect privacy) chose this opportune moment to let the whole institute know of his lost notebook. What followed was an epic mudslinging match which would have made for a good Prime Time show on Star TV. One from the audience decided that he had lost something of incalculable value, his sanity, and mailed the group asking for help. However, to this day the institute black hole is active and one learns of at least one missing item every day.

This mail sent by OutRaj*(name changed to protect privacy), whose English would have sent the Queen scurrying for cover, takes the cake for its sheer entertainment value:

DEAR ALL,

I M VERY SORRY TO SAY, BUT WHAT THE THINGS GOING ON IN THE HOSTEL IS MAKING ME TO WRITE THIS MAIL.

SOMEONE HAS THEFT THE LAPTOP OF MR. X FROM HIS ROOM, WHEN HE WAS BUSY WITH EXAM IN DEPARTMENT. THIS IS VERY SHAMEFUL ACT, I JUST WANT TO ASK ONE QUESTION TO THE PERSON WHO HAS THEFT IT.....

GOD HAS GIVEN U TWO HANDS AND TWO LEGS THEN WHY U R DOING THIS ACT? IF U WANT TO THIS TYPE OF ACTIVITY THEN WHY U R COMING TO IIT? EXPAND UR THIEFING ACTIVITIES BY EXPANDING UR NETWORK!

A GENTLE REQUEST, JUST THINK FOR THE PERSON WHO HAS ALL THE IMPORTANT DATA, HIS PROJECT IN LAPTOP WHICH WILL BE EVERYTHING FOR HIS FINAL YEAR PROJECT.

IF SOME HUMAN IS LIVING INSIDE U, THEN RETURN THAT LAPTOP BACK.

IF EVEN AFTER READING THIS MAIL, THERE IS NO EFFECT ON U...THEN FROM MY SIDE: GOD BLESS U!

One of the replies was brilliant:

Hi,

Look. I tried too hard to resist spamming. But what the hell, if everyone else is doing it, let me just be a bad boy and simply do it.

Let's read a small part of Mr. Outraj's email, which if I may quote
here:
I JUST WANT TO ASK ONE QUESTION TO THE
> PERSON WHO HAS THEFT IT.....
>
> GOD HAS GIVEN U TWO HANDS AND TWO LEGS THEN WHY U R DOING THIS ACT?

It was indeed very thoughtful of Mr. Outraj to have asked just one question, when he could have easily typed away a hundred, adding more pain to the already pained Smail users. More so, I was expecting the 'person who has theft it' (PWHTI) to answer the extremely thought-provoking question that Mr. Outraj posed.

Many days have passed, but the PWHTI never replied. I guess he stopped using Smail long away, thanks to all the spam mails that keep doing the rounds.

Coming back to the basic question, since it is highly unlikely that the PWHTI is going to reply, I would take this opportunity to answer Mr. Outraj on his behalf, not because I have any sympathy towards the cruel thief, but as a token of sincere respect to the originality of the question itself.

Here goes the answer, and hope it answers you Mr. Outraj: God gave him two hands to open the door (I wonder the guy who didn't lock it, also had two hands to lock it, but that's the beginning of another thoughtful question, so shall be left right away), and to pick up the laptop. The two legs, if I assume, were given to the PWTHI so that he could run away with the newly acquired possession. There ends the mystery!

Lesson learnt: God gives everyone two hands and two legs. They can be used to 'theft' a laptop and run away (sad ACT). But they can also be used to lock your door, before you leave for your department (smart ACT).

Ah, spamming really gives me a kick, man!

Regards
Saneram*(name changed to protect privacy)

The Universe in a Gobi Manchurian:

RR Caterers had previously improvised on their biryani prepared in Godavari and done what no chef would think of doing. A frog was found in their dish and the outrage over the issue spread through simple word of mouth. Spamming over Smail had not become fashionable yet. RR were not going to be denied their piece of action on Smail. All that they had to do was add a chicken piece in a dish of Gobi Manchurian and take a seat in the audience. The issues generated by the spamming range from a proposal for a separate vegetarian mess to religious freedom and its ridicule to compensation. Mercifully, the anguished individuals stopped short of a debate on vegetarianism or non-vegetarianism itself. To someone expecting some important mail, seeing 15 emails titled ‘Chicken Piece in Gobi Manchurian’ would either be amusing (which is what I felt) or maddening (for the more impatient type).

On The Shoulders of Giants- The Great Shame of Saarang:

Saarang came and went. People had begun to miss the excitement on Smail. Someone decided that blogging about his opinions on Saarang was probably not the best way of annoying everybody in the institute. He dashed off a mail to the Director, Dean and the whole student group. The mail began, “Dear Sirs…”. Well, I am not aware of when the whole institute came to be knighted. Having flattered the reader, there begins a verbal assault on Saarang that would have probably made a hard core fundamentalist Mullah teary eyed with joy. Naturally, this tirade did not go down too well with everybody. Replies flew thick and fast touching issues like what Indians have to offer to the world. All along the participants missed one point, IIT Madras has probably become the first university in the world to have its email being merged with a discussion board.

A Briefer Peek into the Future:

Spamming on Smail is here to stay. It has been made the fundamental right of every Smail user. It lends voice to the vocally challenged, underrepresented and insensitive students on the campus and ensures equity. It is a pity that I have had only about a year’s worth of entertainment on Smail. I am passing out of the institute soon and I hope the administration allows outgoing students to retain their email ID’s.

Whatever be the complaint of Smail users, I am convinced of two things:

1. The power of free speech is one of the most ill-abused privileges in the history of democracy and spamming on Smail is a very minor extension.
2. The job of the moderator on Smail will be one of the most sought after positions on campus after the current occupant retires. All one has to do is accept everything that comes your way and watch them beat each other up.
   

Here's raising a toast to spamming and Smail.

The post is a tribute to Stephen Hawking whose spirit will continue to inspire us whatever walk of life we choose.